The Stages Of Fear Following An Epic ‘Stephens’ Night


The one thing us Irish can’t seem to handle during the Christmas period has to be the fact that public houses for some ‘strange’ reason close on December 25th.

For an entire 24 hours!

So we all know, the minute those doors open on December 26th, St. Stephens Day, there’s a sense of relief among the nation.

The day comes and goes like the flick of a light-switch and BAM, it hits you in the face – it’s the dawn of a new day – December 27th, and the rise of The Fear and we all just die, not literally, but like, literally…


You wake up after three hours sleep, heart racing, beads of sweat on your forehead realising you’re way too late for work until you finally realise mid-dressing it’s Christmas and you’re fortunate enough to not work in retail – back to bed. Although the adrenaline rush took a lot out of you; the room now spins.


As the room spins, your mind spins with it… your hair hurts from the thoughts in your head, those flashbacks to last night’s antics. Did you really tell Uncle Joe that you hate the socks he gifts every year? Did you actually try and score your ex? You can sense the impending doom – don’t vomit and do NOT pick up the phone.

Textual Paranoia

You can’t help yourself because you don’t know what people did with their life before they had phones. You wonder did your mates make it home OK, because you genuinely can’t remember the last time you saw them (three hours ago). You pick it up, the screen lights up and flashes of your alter-ego ‘John’ come before you…


Who even is John? I never wanted to be John. I don’t even like John. You try to explain to people that you don’t actually know why John does the things he does on a night out. He was so so so sorry for stopping the taxi five times to get sick, he was also very sorry for skipping out and John was in the depths of remorse when he realised dad plays cards the odd week with the taximan – morto!

The Family

You eventually know it’s time. You don’t walk anymore because you’re legs are now jelly. You crawl down the stairs and make your way to your embarrassed family because they obviously hate you now… You never look any of them in the eye, there are no words. Your mum tries to give you a turkey sandwich, you can feel your stomach turning and then they have the cheek to ask why the Christmas tree was turned over this morning – why are they all out to get you?

Just Eat

The app is your life – why is it not working? WHY are so many people trying to use it at the same time? What are you going to eat? Why does this thing think you can decide very important life decisions in your current state? WHY on earth would other people be ordering so much food too? WHY IS EVERYONE OUT TO GET YOU?

The Cold Snap

That shower. The one that begins to bring you, vaguely, back to life as you stand there unable to move. And suddenly you realise – it is 364 days to the next Christmas bash and each and every emotion you have been through comes flooding back. Remorse for the end of the festivities, panic you have no plans for the New Year and utter excitement for the next night out…

You’re getting there – and you’ve made it through, all you need now is some tea and Netflix!

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